My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
The beer is more important than you right now.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
