my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
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