Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
