i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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