I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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