If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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