You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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