He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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