four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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