I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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