OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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