my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
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I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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