Fine. I'll sleep in my office
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
