new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize