Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
