U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
smell my finger.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
