Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
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While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
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By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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