It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
