I haven't been this sober since birth.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
