By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
