I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
