This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
