Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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