i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
