I will die if light touches me.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
