why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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