my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
