ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
