Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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