I just pynch a tree in the face
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
