She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
