Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
