sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
