well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
