I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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