His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
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We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
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I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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