Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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