Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
