i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
