i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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