If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
