Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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