I wanna bring you to show and tell
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
