Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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