Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
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She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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