24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
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I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
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After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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