I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
