i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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