she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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