Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
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I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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