My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
