guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
