I think i peed on brittanys purse
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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