im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
