we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
