it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
