even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
This is the high leading the old right now
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
