Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
