I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
