I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
